COVID Sucks
COVID sucks so much. I got sick Tuesday Oct 8 - I woke up with a tickle in my throat which turned into a nasty snotty head cold by Wednesday. I took it easy and rested throughout the week and mostly got better. I didn’t even think to test for COVID. I didn’t have the normal “COVID headache” that I have gotten the previous three times I have been infected and we didn’t have any more tests. Sure my energy was low, but I was actively sick so that’s to be expected. But I ordered some tests just to have on hand and they were delivered the next day.
I had plans that Sunday to go see the movie Lee with friends and thought I would be all better by then. As a former photojournalist, I was super looking forward to it. One of my friends is still recovering from a stroke, so I decided to take a test - just to make sure I wouldn’t get her sick. It instantly popped positive. Ugh. Just ugh. My husband and I had just gotten vaccinated the previous week so she posited that maybe I wasn’t really sick, but just reacting positive from the vaccine. My husband took a test to check and his remained negative and thankfully he has not gotten sick. It’s almost two weeks later and I still have the faintest of positive lines and my energy level is through the fucking floor. I am “actively” resting in bed and have been for the past two weeks to try and regain my strength.
The first time I got COVID in Jan 2022, I was sick in bed for TWO MONTHS. I couldn’t comprehend the level of fatigue I was experiencing and I was terrified I would be like that for the rest of my life. The anxiety was because of my fatigue, my fatigue wasn’t “in my head”. All the research says that if after two months you haven’t recovered your energy, well then you're just shit outta luck. Our son was born in 2015 and neither one of us got a full night’s sleep for the following THREE YEARS. He (and thus I) always woke up. As a new mom, I was sleep-deprived and exhausted and I understood being tired. Boy did I celebrate the first time he slept through the night. But this fatigue from COVID was at a whole nother cellular level. It is difficult to describe. And the research backs this exhaustion up. Microclots block oxygen from feeding the mitochondria of the cells which makes you tired all over; not sleepy, but a true lack of energy.
“Previous studies have shown these clumps, termed “microclots”, are found at raised levels in the plasma of people with long COVID. It’s been proposed that microclots may block capillaries, causing damage as blood re-enters tissues. This may also cause damage to the mitochondria.” https://theconversation.com/long-covid-damaged-mitochondria-in-muscles-might-be-linked-to-some-of-the-symptoms-220821
I am doing my best to not be a burden to my family but this just sucks. I know I have to rest so I can get better and given how I have gotten better in the past, I am hopeful I will this time as well. I look at the mountain of laundry and do a load and then get back into bed. I look at the fridge and try to make quick and healthy food. Saturday night, I managed to make a huge pot of vegetable spaghetti sauce that has fed us for four meals. I look at what I have to do for my son this week and I am scared. I have to go to an appointment with him after school today - thankfully his Spanish class is canceled this week. On Tuesday I would normally bike 10-15 minutes one way for his Karate practice and then bike home after his practice finishes. I have to drive to the hospital for an ultrasound of my thyroid on Wednesday and then pick boys up from bouldering practice. Friday morning I have an hour and a half appointment to start a weight-loss clinic for the next two years and it is again 10-15 mins away on the bike and will be all in Dutch. I don’t know if I can do it.
This year, I was running 5km ParkRuns most Saturday mornings. However, I pulled muscles in the back of both of my calves after a fall in early September and haven’t been able to run in over a month now. So in early October - the day before I got sick - I went to the local swimming pool, liked the experience, felt energized and happy and bought 10 tickets to use before the end of the year. I even bought myself a new swimsuit and better goggles. I haven’t been back to the pool yet.
I have five social events between now and the end of November that I really want to participate in and I am hoping I can recover enough to make it. There is a LegoWorld expo over our son’s fall vacation, a Democrats Abroad all-night Election Watch party event from 8 pm to 5 am up in Amsterdam, a Winter Social dinner for a group of International Women here in Utrecht, seeing Hannah Gadsby perform in Amsterdam, and a bus trip to see a Christmas Market in Germany at the end of November. I am hoping I can go, but I just don’t know. I don’t want to “crash” because of those events but I also really want to participate in an active life with friends and family. I have missed seeing friends who are visiting the Netherlands. A high school girlfriend who I hadn’t seen since David was a baby - almost 10 years ago - visited and I was sick that week. Another couple of women are visiting at the same time now (one from England and another from Spain) and we were all friends and co-workers on an independent English language newspaper in Buenos Aires. I just don’t have the energy and that makes me sad, frustrated, and a bit angry. I am grateful for their friendship and understanding, but I miss my friends.
My son keeps on telling me I am a great Mom even though I don’t feel it. I am grateful he loves me so much. My husband is taking up so much slack when he is already burning the candle at both ends with work and learning Dutch. I am ever grateful for his understanding, patience and caring love but I want to contribute to the well being of our family, not be a burden. At the very least my son can crawl into bed with me at the end of the day and I can read to him for a bit.
My brain is mush. I am making mistakes that I don’t even remember making. I had to buy movie tickets for my son and his friends to watch Wild Robot on Sunday. However, when my husband got there, the tickets were for Saturday, not Sunday. Luckily I am not the only person who has made this mistake and they were able to fix it and the afternoon wasn’t ruined. If you were to put a gun to my head, I would have sworn to you I bought them for Sunday afternoon. That’s not the only example and I apologize for any mistakes in this post if I didn’t catch them.
It is strange because I will feel fine and then from one minute to the next without any warning my brain feels light-headed, I cannot concentrate or even complete my sentences. I cannot tell whether it’s from COVID, perimenopause, undiagnosed ADHD or a lucky combination of everything in a mixed-up soup. This is worse than it has ever been, so I am going with COVID brain fog. I am not used to feeling this way and I cannot stress enough how stressful it is to not be able to trust my own brain. The problem with brain damage is that it’s really hard to recognize in yourself, even if you’re not in denial. I just really hope that with enough rest and homemade chicken soup and mostly following this regimen suggested by LongCovidPharmD, I will get over this nasty virus and its lingering effects.
