Living without fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -M. Williamson

This quote showed up in my inbox this morning via Nicole Kellerman and boy did it resonate. Living small is something I try to do.  I have always been a ‘big girl’ and so try to take up as little physical space as possible as I try to lessen my impact. I hunch my shoulders, turn my arms in, etc. I am learning that I need to take up MOAR SPACE as I collect myself and gather up self-confidence/self-esteem.  It’s going to take conscious practice, but as I try to take up less physical space by exercising and eating well, I will try to take up more emotional space as I open my shoulders, stick out my chest and be present in life.

Self-confidence is something that I struggle with.  I know I am not alone in that one.  I have a hard time accepting compliments and easily dismiss people’s positive opinions of me and give weight to negative ones.  I know I am not alone in that one either.  Chris Hardwick over on the Nerdist podcast seems to suffer from PTSD from abusive internet comments.  Luckily, I have never had to deal with that, but still it seems we humans give much more weight to one negative comment or off-hand remark than to compliments.

I have let fear rule my life in many ways.  I believe that I have been overweight almost my entire life out of fear of what would happen if I was a normal weight because of bad shit that happened early on.  That has given those fuckers way too much power and influence in my life all these years later.  I am going to consciously work on living without fear, but I know it won’t be easy or quick.

Today, I am starting yet another 90-day challenge for healthy living via Reddit.  I keep on signing up and stating goals, but not fulfilling them, however, I am kept more on track because I have signed up than if I hadn’t.  As I recently pulled my calf muscle on my right leg, I won’t be running as I want that to heal up completely so I can get back out there.  Instead, I will do the P90 system videos at home and work on myself that way.  Then when I am all healed up, I’ll get back out there and pound the pavement with my new running shoes that I have yet to break in.