Scary thoughts

I wonder if I will ever find a partner again and the answer is probably yes, but it’s a bit scary to contemplate and ponder.  I don’t like being on my own – never have and as the youngest of four children I grew up among lots of people and have lived with roommates and so being in this big house by myself is a bit much. At least I have three cute cats to keep me company.  When you think you have it all sorted out and then everything gets flipped on its head and all your plans get pulled, it’s scary.

A couple of recent realizations lately have made me cry.  One – I don’t feel like I have a person anymore who I can turn to who really gets me.  That used to be my husband, but it’s not a good idea to sort through my shit with him as I used to.  Our relationship has changed and while we’re on friendly terms and he really wants to help me out, I don’t think it would be good.  Two – I am afraid I will be ‘forever alone’.  That’s a scary thought and probably not true and I know that almost everyone searches for their perfect partner so I am not alone in this feeling, but it still sucks.  The fear might be worse than the actual fact of being alone.

I don’t have anyone I can turn to who really gets me because I don’t let people in very much and being vulnerable is difficult, and scary.  I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want to make people uncomfortable as I try to sort through my life.  I think I have to open up more.

I also don’t know how to deal with trying to navigate dating in Argentina and am not sure if I even want to. Figuring out my own shit might be more important right now. The cultural differences and my own personality quirks might not make this the easiest of propositions.  I am generally honest, blunt, and hate playing games.  I also suck at flirting.